Koreans are taught from a very young age to always be mindful of the Japanese. Children check under their beds for Japanese people before going to sleep, and every Korean adolescent knows that unprotected sex could very well lead to Japanese children. Still, many young Koreans choose to disregard the Japanese threat, believing it to be an old wives' tale their parents told them when they were children in order to coax them into eating their mixed vegetables and rice. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Even in our modern times of LG phones and box-shaped cars, the Japanese are still nakedly thriving among us.
Update: I was hoping to link to video, but Hulu has taken it down. Instead, read this article concerning the threat to your safety
Movies are like assholes: every country has them, and they all stink. What?
In America we tend to think of Hollywood as the only player in town when it comes to the movie game. Of course, this is hardly the case – many nations have a rich history of moviemaking. The Germans brought the world expressionism and modern use of mise en scene. The French introduced us all to the cinema verite. China gave us a bunch of incomprehensible martial arts movies about flying people. Bollywood continues to do whatever the hell it is they’re doing over there.
It was not unexpected, then, that South Korea would look to grab a seat in the high-stakes world of international cinema. Indeed South Korea has done just that, and with 2007’s D-War this sauna-loving nation has put all its soggy, illegible cards on the table.
Oh man, this movie. The premise of Dragon Wars is simple enough – let’s let Wikipedia explain:
“As a young boy, Ethan Kendrick (Cody Arens) encounters in a shop, owned and operated by antiques dealer Jack (Robert Forster), a mysterious reptilian scale that shines with a blue light. This light projects itself upon Ethan. Seeing this, Jack pretends to suffer a heart attack and sends Ethan's father, who is selling him an antique dagger, to get help. Ethan then listens as Jack narrates a story (largely shown in flashback) explaining the scale.
"Jack, having told this story, reveals that he is himself Bochun, and that Ethan is Haram, reborn to protect the Yuh-Yi-Joo from Burakai, who is soon to return. Jack gives Ethan a medallion formerly belonging to Haram and reveals that the Yuh-Yi-Joo is a girl named Sarah whom Ethan will find in Los Angeles. Ethan accepts the medallion and the responsibility of caring for the Yuh-Yi-Joo.”
Whoops! Sorry most expensive movie in the history of South Korea, that’s your plot! Jack spends most of the movie faking heart attacks to get people to leave the room and also showing up in disguise to help Ethan get out of tight spots, like some sort of Korean cross between Tony Wonder and Gene Parmesan, private eye.
Meanwhile, Ethan needs to grow up and become a reporter (who is friends with Craig T. Robinson), so the movie jumps ahead 19 years. Now we’re in Los Angeles, which is obviously under attack by dragons. Ethan and Craig Robinson have the near impossible task of locating a single girl in Los Angeles who matches the description of being either 19 or 20, named Sarah, and has a dragon tattoo. That is so hard! No it’s not though, because like all 19-year-olds with dragon tattoos in LA, Sarah regularly watches the nightly news so eventually Ethan and Sarah and former Ashley Schafer BMW spokesperson Craig T. Robinson all meet up. At this point, Sarah releases some dragons of her own and all the dragons fight and destroy downtown LA while the army fires a bunch of missiles everywhere that just blow up buildings.
If you’re thinking that you’ve seen this exact movie before, it’s because you have when it was called Transformers, but I cannot emphasize enough that THIS MOVIE IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN TRANSFORMERS.
The best part about this movie is the ending. Love-interest Sarah turns into a spirit and goes to her place in the stars, where presumably she and Ethan cannot date. His work on this planet complete, Jack briefly consoles Ethan, and then decides to turn into dragon dust. Thanks for all the help, E! Hope you had fun with the dragons!
Coincidentally, this is also how Weird Al vehicle UHF ended.
Seriously, Dragon Wars:
In conclusion, South Korea should make all the movies.
What a week! Monday, I had the singular honor of meeting the Prime Minister of South Korea, Han Seung-soo! Obviously, it would have been rude to post during my visit, and I haven’t been able to make it online in a few days, but Monday I night I wrote up a quick diary entry. While I was visiting, Seung-soo had a meeting with none other than Kim-Jong Il! What a privilege! Here’s an excerpt of what happened:
“Whatever the press and the opposition might say, the Prime Minister is not a foolish man. It had not escaped his notice that, despite Kim Jong’s assurances at their first meeting, they were now seeing rather a lot of each other, nor that Kim Jong was becoming more flustered with each visit. Little though he liked to think about the Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army (or, as he always called Kim Jong Il in his head, the Other Minister), the Prime Minister could not help but fear that the next time Kim Jon appeared it would be with graver news still. The site, therefore, of Kim Jong stepping out of the fire once more, looking disheveled and fretful and sternly surprised that the Prime Minister did not know exactly why he was there, was about the worst thing that had happened in the course of this extremely gloomy week.
“How should I know what’s going on in the – er – North Korean community?” snapped the Prime Minister now. “I have a country to run and quite enough concerns at the moment without –“
“We have the same concerns,” Kim Jong interrupted. “The Brockdale Bridge didn’t wear out. That wasn’t really a hurricane. Those murders were not the work of Japanese. And Herbert Chorley’s family would be safer without him. We are currently making arrangements to have him transferred to St. Mungo’s Hospital for Koreans. The move should be effected tonight.”
“What do you… I’m afraid I… What?” blustered the Prime Minister.
Kim Jong took a great, deep breath and said, “Prime Minister, I am very sorry to have to tell you that he’s back. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back.”
Here’s one thing I didn’t know: when you go to Korea, you’re there the moment you step on the plane. Before I even had a moment to blink, my Korean adventure had begun.
That’s later though. First things first: the airport.
Upon my arrival at the airport, I quickly made it through check-in with more than enough time to spare. Three hours on my hands and nothing to do – it was time for a drink:
That’s one of my all time favorites: the Old-Fashioned. Enjoy this recipe, just the way I like it:
Justin’s Korean-Style Old-Fashioned - It’s anything but! (Lots of Laughs!)
Here’s what you’ll need:
-1 sugar cube
-3 dashes Angostura bitters
-Club soda
-2 ounces rye whisky
-2 chopsticks
And here’s how you make the magic happen:
Place the sugar cube (or 1/2 teaspoon loose sugar) in an Old-Fashioned glass. Wet it down with 2 or 3 dashes of Angostura bitters and a short splash of water or club soda. Crush the sugar with the chopsticks. Rotate the glass so that the sugar grains and bitters give it a lining. Add a large ice cube. Pour in the rye (or bourbon). Serve with a stirring rod.
Delicious!
Four Old-Fashioneds and a Xanax later, it was time to hit the skies! Speaking of being in open air, as soon as we hit the runway, it was time to forget our western ways and put on the traditional Korean garb:
Better safe than SARS-y!
After we hit the ground, I grabbed my bags after a quick Old-Fashioned at the bar, and headed out to meet my ride for the next two months:
Sweet!
I’m writing this post in the car on the way to the hotel (it has wi-fi built in because, you know, Korea). Hopefully check-in goes as smoothly, so I can get back to exploring a city that I feel has real Seoul… and if I play my cards right some hot Pyongyang, if you know what I mean! (You do not know what I mean.)
For now that’s all the 뉴스 that’s fit to 인쇄!
In the meanwhile, I’ll leave you with a new feature I like to call Justin Trax: a Korean soundtrack (best enjoyed with an Old-Fashioned) -
As many of you know, next week I’ll be leaving the country until August to visit my homeland of Korea. This is an exciting opportunity for me, but with great power comes great responsibility. This means I will be without Blackberry Messenger for over two (2) months. I may be thousands of miles away from you all, but fret not because I’m going to be recounting my pacific adventures right here on this blog: Justin in Korea. I won’t depart for a few more days, so I thought I might take this inaugural blog post to answer a few questions I’ve been hearing a lot lately.
Q: Why Korea? Why now?
A: A good question, with an answer to match: I am Korean. For many years I have reaped the benefits of my heritage. Kim Chi. Liquid Dinners. Starcraft. Partying with models. Partying with midgets. Partying with midget models. Hines Ward. In short, the good life. I anticipate this will continue in Korea.
Q: What won’t you be doing in Korea?
A: Not much, but a few things, including: Playing Halo (for noobs, would embarrass family), showering upright (difficult, unsanitary), and butt sex (gross).
Q: Will you be traveling to North Korea?
A: Why would I do that when I could just take a trip to the City (Township?) of Trenton, NJ? Just kidding! In North Korea you can pump your own gas.
Q: How often will you be updating your blog?
A: As often as needed! As the adventures come, so will the blogs! A threesome in the backseat of Steve Kim’s helicopter? You’ll hear it here first. A threesome while piloting Steve Kim’s helicopter? You’ll hear it here first. A threesome with Steve Kim and a helicopter? You’ll hear it here first.
Didn’t find the answer you were looking for? Let me know, and I’ll answer it in the next post! See you in Korea!
