Korean Cultural Update: DRAGON WARS

Movies are like assholes: every country has them, and they all stink. What?

In America we tend to think of Hollywood as the only player in town when it comes to the movie game. Of course, this is hardly the case – many nations have a rich history of moviemaking. The Germans brought the world expressionism and modern use of mise en scene. The French introduced us all to the cinema verite. China gave us a bunch of incomprehensible martial arts movies about flying people. Bollywood continues to do whatever the hell it is they’re doing over there.

It was not unexpected, then, that South Korea would look to grab a seat in the high-stakes world of international cinema. Indeed South Korea has done just that, and with 2007’s D-War this sauna-loving nation has put all its soggy, illegible cards on the table.

 

 Oh man, this movie. The premise of Dragon Wars is simple enough – let’s let Wikipedia explain:

“As a young boy, Ethan Kendrick (Cody Arens) encounters in a shop, owned and operated by antiques dealer Jack (Robert Forster), a mysterious reptilian scale that shines with a blue light. This light projects itself upon Ethan. Seeing this, Jack pretends to suffer a heart attack and sends Ethan's father, who is selling him an antique dagger, to get help. Ethan then listens as Jack narrates a story (largely shown in flashback) explaining the scale.

"Jack, having told this story, reveals that he is himself Bochun, and that Ethan is Haram, reborn to protect the Yuh-Yi-Joo from Burakai, who is soon to return. Jack gives Ethan a medallion formerly belonging to Haram and reveals that the Yuh-Yi-Joo is a girl named Sarah whom Ethan will find in Los Angeles. Ethan accepts the medallion and the responsibility of caring for the Yuh-Yi-Joo.”

            Whoops! Sorry most expensive movie in the history of South Korea, that’s your plot! Jack spends most of the movie faking heart attacks to get people to leave the room and also showing up in disguise to help Ethan get out of tight spots, like some sort of Korean cross between Tony Wonder and Gene Parmesan, private eye.

            Meanwhile, Ethan needs to grow up and become a reporter (who is friends with Craig T. Robinson), so the movie jumps ahead 19 years. Now we’re in Los Angeles, which is obviously under attack by dragons. Ethan and Craig Robinson have the near impossible task of locating a single girl in Los Angeles who matches the description of being either 19 or 20, named Sarah, and has a dragon tattoo. That is so hard! No it’s not though, because like all 19-year-olds with dragon tattoos in LA, Sarah regularly watches the nightly news so eventually Ethan and Sarah and former Ashley Schafer BMW spokesperson Craig T. Robinson all meet up. At this point, Sarah releases some dragons of her own and all the dragons fight and destroy downtown LA while the army fires a bunch of missiles everywhere that just blow up buildings.

            If you’re thinking that you’ve seen this exact movie before, it’s because you have when it was called Transformers, but I cannot emphasize enough that THIS MOVIE IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN TRANSFORMERS.

The best part about this movie is the ending. Love-interest Sarah turns into a spirit and goes to her place in the stars, where presumably she and Ethan cannot date. His work on this planet complete, Jack briefly consoles Ethan, and then decides to turn into dragon dust. Thanks for all the help, E! Hope you had fun with the dragons!

Coincidentally, this is also how Weird Al vehicle UHF ended.

 

Seriously, Dragon Wars:

 

In conclusion, South Korea should make all the movies.